Absurdity at best

One of my many projects I've left out there unfinished is a Master's degree in Literature. Somehow, once I left teaching, I just couldn't seem to justify the time or the expense. Unless, of course, my main objective in life was to become a truly well-read bag lady. Then it would have proved useful and student loans would have certainly helped me along to my occupational goal. Instead, here I sit, in my nice big office with my nice big window which brings me to my point.

The whole thing seems quite absurd. My whole life just feels this way. I'm struggling to make sense of my life. I am the kind of person that needs to understand the big picture and what all the little components are that make up the whole. I understand that this is way too existential for a Monday afternoon. Still, I fascillate between believing in chance, that everything is just random, and in fate, that life is moving me in a certain direction.

I have happened upon jobs with the company that I'm at twice. I'm not sure if this is just who I am and what I do and who I know or that there's a reason for it. Maybe it's just dumb luck. I'm having the same thoughts about people that are in my life. There is a small number of people in my life that I feel connected to and are the type of people that give life to you instead of sucking it out of you. I've met most of them out of sheer chance. The fact that I have friendships like this is, of itself, interesting to me and it makes me wonder if there isn't a reason my path has crossed this person's. Trying to figure out what a person's purpose in your life is is like painting the side of sinking ship. An excercise in futility that just gets nothing accomplished other than wasting energy.

One of the books I studied during that degree program was Thomas Pynchon's The Crying of Lot 49. The entire book is a study in the absurd, unfortunately with little resolution. I crave resolution. I just want to understand things. I feel that if I don't, I'm just bouncing through life and not attaching much meaning. So, I guess I'll be my own absurd hero. Grab a can of paint if you want, I could use some help.